I just spent 20 minutes salivating over the J-Dawgs website. So yes, Mom, I'll be home for Christmas.
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I got a flu shot recently and, for the first time in my life, received a regular brown Band-Aid instead of a Snoopy one.
I didn't realize how big of a let-down that would be. Last night, Gary came home with a big 9V battery. He proceeded to attach wires to the battery and then, get this, stick the loose ends of the wires into a bowl of water. Because he wanted to make tiny hydrogen bubbles.
Um.... Later that evening, while he was preparing to brush his teeth, he casually mentioned that his future plans include a car battery and a bathtub full of water. Sometimes even my eyebrows are speechless. On our local news the other night, they were talking about one of the basketball players on the Portland Trail Blazers. They said that he was "trying to make history by scoring 20 or more points in each of the first four games of the season."
... Does that really count as "making history"? There’s a gal from church that’s around my same age and at roughly the same point in life, but for whatever reason, we don’t cross paths very often and thus haven’t become good friends yet. But we were sitting by each other today so we started chatting. She asked me how I was feeling these days (she knew I had a rough first trimester) and then I asked her about her recent business trip to Brazil. She told me that the trip was okay, but she hadn’t been feeling very well recently so she was just glad to be back home. “You haven’t been feeling so well?” I followed up. “Yeah,” she replied, then lowered her voice. “I’m pregnant now too.”
The first words that came out of me were, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” I noticed the giant foot in my mouth and tried to recover with, “Um, I mean, congratulations! I’m so excited for you!” Luckily, she chuckled and said, “That’s fine. I haven’t been able to get excited yet myself because I’ve been feeling so icky.” Amen, sister, amen. Well, I guess it’s time to come clean. I’m pregnant, I’m due March 1 (or, as I like to think of it, late February), and it’s supposedly going to be a boy. The first month was easy, breezy, beautiful. The next three months were the worst of my life. Oh wow, I had no idea it could be so bad. But then in the next month, I improved a lot and now I’m feeling so much better that I shower almost every day. *thumbs up for me*
When I was young, my older sister Stephanie and I shared a great number of things. One evening, we were in the kitchen discussing how to split the last piece of dessert when my father introduced us to an age-old procedure that ensures both parties are satisfied: One person cuts and the other chooses. It was a simple and fool-proof way to settle the sharing predicament. Or so he thought….
You see, my devious young brain quickly realized the obvious flaw in this method. It operates under the assumption that any person, when given the choice, will choose the bigger / better piece. Because, like, duh. Who wouldn’t, right? Well, as it turns out, kind generous people don’t. They do the crazy thing. They take the smaller piece. So whenever Stephanie and I needed to share something, I would volunteer to divide it. I would then cut them unevenly, one piece noticeably bigger than the other, but only barely so. (I had to keep it subtle to keep from arising any suspicions.) Invariably, Steph would take the smaller piece, just as a kind older sister should. And I would victoriously end up with the bigger piece, as evil younger sisters are prone to do. Ta-da! Flash-forward 15 years: Today I made a fruit smoothie. I got out two cups from the cupboard. I filled one all the way up, which only left about three measly spoonfuls for the other cup. “Tee hee hee,” I thought. I put a spoon in each cup and brought them over to Gary. “Here,” I said, “I divided them so you can choose.” And poor sweet Gary took the three-spoonful cup without even hesitating. And that, kids, is why you should surround yourself with nice people. (Disclaimer: I’m not a completely awful wife; I offered Gary half of my smoothie after my little experiment. Stephanie, on the other hand, remains drastically ripped off.) A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He is allowed to say only two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.” A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” Fuming, the woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” “That's awful!" the man replies. "You should go up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.'' A beagle goes to a telegram office, takes out a blank form, and writes, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replies, “that would make no sense at all.” I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. |
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